This week, I’d like to ask a question that I know every entrepreneur has thought about but that I’ve rarely, if ever, seen discussed. Especially when things aren’t going great, how much do you share with your significant other? I’ve known some business owners who operate strictly on a need-to-know basis. They’ve concluded that it’s not worth freaking out the other person, who may not be in a position to help. Others crave the sounding board and the support and share everything. Where are you on that spectrum? Also, does it make a difference if your spouse has business experience? Does it make a difference if your spouse makes more money than you do? Would your spouse react well if you had to fire a mutual friend? I think we might all learn something if you can tell us a little of what’s worked for you and what hasn’t. As always, thanks for sharing.
This comment, which runs counter to much of what has been posted so far, comes from Lou Mosca, who runs management consulting firm American Management Services (technical difficulties prevented Lou from posting it himself):
I think owners should share with their significant others, should have an objective sounding board….and strictly as a sounding board!...Had a client many, many years ago, pre my current role, that had a $10 mill construction company in NY. He never shared anything with his spouse but they spent on lavish vacations, big home, fancy cars…lavish!....One morning, he came down for coffee about 7am and told his wife to pack her most precious belongings because marshals were taking their house in one hour. Maybe, just maybe, if he had been open with his spouse about the direness of his situation 6-12 months prior, the situation would not have spiraled out of control. Bottom line: while independent business owners truly do not want to be held accountable to anyone, reality is, accountability is a good thing and can save you from making poor decisions!
I have had my business for a long time, and live the stress it brings. Over a 30 year period, I found that good times are great to share. Bad times I deal with on my own. The truth is that if you have a life partner who truly loves you, they can feel the difference in you from your mood, actions, and reactions.
My suggestion is to stay the course and always move forward to the next successful day. No secrets, but steady as she goes.......
There is one thing I know for sure on this particular topic. An entrepreneur might have found an answer that works well for themself, but CAN NOT know what is best for someone else. I am quite sure that the perfect situation ranges from tell your spouse everything, to tell them nothing. Over the years I have found that everything I say can and will be used against me, including being optimistic, or delusional. "I'll start coming home earlier when I get the new manager trained". You can figure out the rest. Yes, it can be lonely being an entrepreneur, and I would encourage people to join a group, or just find someone else who understands and can also give insight. Maybe that is a spouse, and maybe not. Personally, I have had great success with pretending that I am like everyone else and can leave my "job" at work. Everyone is happier. I hope that this forum and the podcast give some support and insight to entrepreneurs.
I guess it really depends on the kind of relationship the two people want with respect to the operations of the business. However the biggest challenges I've seen between the operator of a business and their spouse has always been around communication, expectations and emotional support. Which honestly seems to be the same for people with traditional jobs vs business-operators.
Unique challenges I've seen with my relationship with my wife are around business are:
1) Communicating for support versus for problem solving. I've been in hot water not explaning that I'm not looking for a problem solving (yet), but I just needed to vent about the situation. After you get past that friction communicating your needs from your spouse things get easier, or not ... next.
2) Using your spouse as an emotional dumping ground. This is a after-effect of #1 if you are not careful, your spouse is not an emotional dumping ground, they serve one in a pinch, but expecting your spouse to hear the negatives of your business and none of the positives is a recipie for leaching resentment into a non-work relationship.
3) Expecting your spouse to have the same goals as you. Because after you've blown-through 1&2, if you havent communicated and reviewed what the goals are with the business effort, you may have inadvertantly created an environment where the spouse expects these challenges to continue and sees no payoff. Especially when all you are doing is complaining, and not strategizing/planning/communicating.
4) Keeping your partner in the dark. They do not need an intellectual/passion peer for the kind of business you are doing, but they do need to have a voice at the "table" because your time is valuable, and your spouse has decided to spend their time with you. You've got decades of minutes you will be spending with, for or about them. So keeping them in the dark is a disservice. However, its resonable to buffer their information from a day to day to a week to week, or large milestone moment. Communicating about expectations and to a greater extent consent about where to take the shared life is in my book the most important thing you can do. Ex: I will let you know if we are below X in days of cash burn, where we will need to figure out a plan.
For a long time (20 + years) I didn't share anything, then I started sharing some of the bad news. I know this had a tendency to scare my wife (who is not a business person at all.) She grew up in a household that had money struggles, and it led to a lot of fighting between her parents. I think she was worried we were heading down that same path. Now my business is in a better position, most of the time. COVID brought a lot of uncertainty to my business future, and she was worried about that, as we postponed a plan to renovate our house. I do tell her some of the day-to-day drama, but not very much of it. I've found other outlets - it's much more productive to talk to the people involved with company drama, first of all, and other business owners as a second option.
My husband was mostly in the dark about my businesses until 2019, when a business line of credit didn't materialize and we had to personally finance a large inventory purchase. To have our house as collateral for an SBA loan was already pushing it. Now we were making ourselves the line of credit. He was not pleased, but went along with it.
After having just scratched a huge check for the inventory, the pandemic hit and we couldn't sell it, so repaying the "line of credit" was impossible. And then, he lost his job, which was the stable paycheck and health insurance. It's looking like that was a blessing in disguise, because he joined the business as COO and is strong in the areas where I'm quite challenged (especially inventory planning!).
It's not that there were secrets before. But there were a lot things that he never heard about because he didn't have the bandwidth to help. Now, everything is in the open, and if anything, he and the team now keep things from me because I'm not good with the details and prefer to hear about things after they're fixed. So now I'm the spouse who's in the dark!
There is no "right" answer. It depends on the individuals involved. That said, I love Clay Mathile's (former CEO/owner of Iam's Pet Foods) answer. He said that your business can be like a "child" that you and your spouse "raise" together. You routinely talk about the good and the bad and collaborate to make the business as successful as possible. Or your business can be your "lover", someone who competes for your attention and affection. And like a lover, someone who makes your spouse jealous.
My wife and I are coming up on our 15 year anniversary. We have seen ups and downs in the economy and in our personal lives. My wife is NOT a business person. She is medical professional with Master's Degree in her field, but her work mentality is that of someone who punches in and out every day. She does not understand the internal struggle and stress of carrying a business that requires you to see beyond the day to day. In my industry, we bid around 500 projects in year A, sign around 20 contracts in year B, and perform the work in year C. As you can see, you have to have a long term view of the industry and economy. My wife is not a materialistic person. When my business is going well, she is indifferent to extra money. As such, she really doesn't care to know if we are making more or not. Likewise, when things hit the fan, she shrugs it off like it doesn't matter. The one thing that scares her is uncertainty. As long as I am confident about where we are (good or bad), she's good to go. Some of our worst years money-wise have been our best years relationship-wise. I tell her that things are not going well and that we need to penny pinch. Without batting an eye, she cuts coupons, finds bogo's, etc. As long as I'm clear with her on where we are, she knows what she needs to do. However, if I tell her about the uncertainties that we face when running a business, the pending litigations, the late receivables, the contracts that didn't come through, etc., she would lose her mind with worry. To sum it up, no, I do not discuss business issues with her. It works better that way for us.
As a single person, I'm looking for a spouse who "gets it" without us talking about it all the time. I do executive coaching for founders/owners and I'm their sounding board. The most frequent source of tension seems to arise if people are partnered with someone who expects a 9-5 job or wants the entrepreneur to "turn it off and have fun." I'm scaling and I don't want that kind of pressure.
I'm very fortunate because my wife is a CPA and the CFO of $40M company (not my business). As a C-level employee, she completely understands my business both qualitatively and quantitively...she is a great sounding board and advisor to me.
...but I guess it goes both ways...there are many times when I'm talking to her about her company and providing her with ideas and consulting (especially outside of her financial realm).
My wife and I are partners in our business. We have worked together as a married couple for over 30 years. For us it has been special and I am so grateful for everything she brings to our marriage and business partnership. We have different gifts and strengths and have learned to honor each other in those gifts and strengths. It's has just worked for us. We are Co-CEO's and partners. We talk about everything. I have to say most of my friends in business think we are nuts, that may be so :). I love and respect Sandy beyond my wildest dreams. Over the years our work schedules and duties have changed as we raised our 3 sons, and our faith and commitment to our marriage has been our strength each adjustment. I know this is not for everyone, its just the way life has happened for us. We did not plan it this way, and I would not change a thing.
This comment, which runs counter to much of what has been posted so far, comes from Lou Mosca, who runs management consulting firm American Management Services (technical difficulties prevented Lou from posting it himself):
I think owners should share with their significant others, should have an objective sounding board….and strictly as a sounding board!...Had a client many, many years ago, pre my current role, that had a $10 mill construction company in NY. He never shared anything with his spouse but they spent on lavish vacations, big home, fancy cars…lavish!....One morning, he came down for coffee about 7am and told his wife to pack her most precious belongings because marshals were taking their house in one hour. Maybe, just maybe, if he had been open with his spouse about the direness of his situation 6-12 months prior, the situation would not have spiraled out of control. Bottom line: while independent business owners truly do not want to be held accountable to anyone, reality is, accountability is a good thing and can save you from making poor decisions!
I have had my business for a long time, and live the stress it brings. Over a 30 year period, I found that good times are great to share. Bad times I deal with on my own. The truth is that if you have a life partner who truly loves you, they can feel the difference in you from your mood, actions, and reactions.
My suggestion is to stay the course and always move forward to the next successful day. No secrets, but steady as she goes.......
There is one thing I know for sure on this particular topic. An entrepreneur might have found an answer that works well for themself, but CAN NOT know what is best for someone else. I am quite sure that the perfect situation ranges from tell your spouse everything, to tell them nothing. Over the years I have found that everything I say can and will be used against me, including being optimistic, or delusional. "I'll start coming home earlier when I get the new manager trained". You can figure out the rest. Yes, it can be lonely being an entrepreneur, and I would encourage people to join a group, or just find someone else who understands and can also give insight. Maybe that is a spouse, and maybe not. Personally, I have had great success with pretending that I am like everyone else and can leave my "job" at work. Everyone is happier. I hope that this forum and the podcast give some support and insight to entrepreneurs.
I guess it really depends on the kind of relationship the two people want with respect to the operations of the business. However the biggest challenges I've seen between the operator of a business and their spouse has always been around communication, expectations and emotional support. Which honestly seems to be the same for people with traditional jobs vs business-operators.
Unique challenges I've seen with my relationship with my wife are around business are:
1) Communicating for support versus for problem solving. I've been in hot water not explaning that I'm not looking for a problem solving (yet), but I just needed to vent about the situation. After you get past that friction communicating your needs from your spouse things get easier, or not ... next.
2) Using your spouse as an emotional dumping ground. This is a after-effect of #1 if you are not careful, your spouse is not an emotional dumping ground, they serve one in a pinch, but expecting your spouse to hear the negatives of your business and none of the positives is a recipie for leaching resentment into a non-work relationship.
3) Expecting your spouse to have the same goals as you. Because after you've blown-through 1&2, if you havent communicated and reviewed what the goals are with the business effort, you may have inadvertantly created an environment where the spouse expects these challenges to continue and sees no payoff. Especially when all you are doing is complaining, and not strategizing/planning/communicating.
4) Keeping your partner in the dark. They do not need an intellectual/passion peer for the kind of business you are doing, but they do need to have a voice at the "table" because your time is valuable, and your spouse has decided to spend their time with you. You've got decades of minutes you will be spending with, for or about them. So keeping them in the dark is a disservice. However, its resonable to buffer their information from a day to day to a week to week, or large milestone moment. Communicating about expectations and to a greater extent consent about where to take the shared life is in my book the most important thing you can do. Ex: I will let you know if we are below X in days of cash burn, where we will need to figure out a plan.
Some books that might be helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718
https://www.amazon.com/Unfuck-Your-Boundaries-Relationships-Communication/dp/1621061000/
A couple of tips that I thought might be helpful.
- Getting married AND having business problems is incredibly stressful. Avoid it if you can, or simply take-on the challenge.
- Get your own trusted set of business advisors/colleagues that you can vent to instead of your spouse.
- Always consider a business coach or your own therapist when dealing with stressful periods of time in your marriage/business-life.
- Pick an Appropriate Place, Time, and Setting where deep communication can happen with your spouse. Leave business out of pillow talk!
For a long time (20 + years) I didn't share anything, then I started sharing some of the bad news. I know this had a tendency to scare my wife (who is not a business person at all.) She grew up in a household that had money struggles, and it led to a lot of fighting between her parents. I think she was worried we were heading down that same path. Now my business is in a better position, most of the time. COVID brought a lot of uncertainty to my business future, and she was worried about that, as we postponed a plan to renovate our house. I do tell her some of the day-to-day drama, but not very much of it. I've found other outlets - it's much more productive to talk to the people involved with company drama, first of all, and other business owners as a second option.
My husband was mostly in the dark about my businesses until 2019, when a business line of credit didn't materialize and we had to personally finance a large inventory purchase. To have our house as collateral for an SBA loan was already pushing it. Now we were making ourselves the line of credit. He was not pleased, but went along with it.
After having just scratched a huge check for the inventory, the pandemic hit and we couldn't sell it, so repaying the "line of credit" was impossible. And then, he lost his job, which was the stable paycheck and health insurance. It's looking like that was a blessing in disguise, because he joined the business as COO and is strong in the areas where I'm quite challenged (especially inventory planning!).
It's not that there were secrets before. But there were a lot things that he never heard about because he didn't have the bandwidth to help. Now, everything is in the open, and if anything, he and the team now keep things from me because I'm not good with the details and prefer to hear about things after they're fixed. So now I'm the spouse who's in the dark!
There is no "right" answer. It depends on the individuals involved. That said, I love Clay Mathile's (former CEO/owner of Iam's Pet Foods) answer. He said that your business can be like a "child" that you and your spouse "raise" together. You routinely talk about the good and the bad and collaborate to make the business as successful as possible. Or your business can be your "lover", someone who competes for your attention and affection. And like a lover, someone who makes your spouse jealous.
My wife and I are coming up on our 15 year anniversary. We have seen ups and downs in the economy and in our personal lives. My wife is NOT a business person. She is medical professional with Master's Degree in her field, but her work mentality is that of someone who punches in and out every day. She does not understand the internal struggle and stress of carrying a business that requires you to see beyond the day to day. In my industry, we bid around 500 projects in year A, sign around 20 contracts in year B, and perform the work in year C. As you can see, you have to have a long term view of the industry and economy. My wife is not a materialistic person. When my business is going well, she is indifferent to extra money. As such, she really doesn't care to know if we are making more or not. Likewise, when things hit the fan, she shrugs it off like it doesn't matter. The one thing that scares her is uncertainty. As long as I am confident about where we are (good or bad), she's good to go. Some of our worst years money-wise have been our best years relationship-wise. I tell her that things are not going well and that we need to penny pinch. Without batting an eye, she cuts coupons, finds bogo's, etc. As long as I'm clear with her on where we are, she knows what she needs to do. However, if I tell her about the uncertainties that we face when running a business, the pending litigations, the late receivables, the contracts that didn't come through, etc., she would lose her mind with worry. To sum it up, no, I do not discuss business issues with her. It works better that way for us.
As a single person, I'm looking for a spouse who "gets it" without us talking about it all the time. I do executive coaching for founders/owners and I'm their sounding board. The most frequent source of tension seems to arise if people are partnered with someone who expects a 9-5 job or wants the entrepreneur to "turn it off and have fun." I'm scaling and I don't want that kind of pressure.
I'm very fortunate because my wife is a CPA and the CFO of $40M company (not my business). As a C-level employee, she completely understands my business both qualitatively and quantitively...she is a great sounding board and advisor to me.
...but I guess it goes both ways...there are many times when I'm talking to her about her company and providing her with ideas and consulting (especially outside of her financial realm).
It's great to have a partner who gets it
My wife and I are partners in our business. We have worked together as a married couple for over 30 years. For us it has been special and I am so grateful for everything she brings to our marriage and business partnership. We have different gifts and strengths and have learned to honor each other in those gifts and strengths. It's has just worked for us. We are Co-CEO's and partners. We talk about everything. I have to say most of my friends in business think we are nuts, that may be so :). I love and respect Sandy beyond my wildest dreams. Over the years our work schedules and duties have changed as we raised our 3 sons, and our faith and commitment to our marriage has been our strength each adjustment. I know this is not for everyone, its just the way life has happened for us. We did not plan it this way, and I would not change a thing.